Floundering

Aaaaaand we're back to the night shift.

Hubby Blue was supposed to switch over to the day shift yesterday, which would have meant that even though his days off were Wednesday and Thursday, he'd be HOME, WITH me, every night.  We'd go to bed at about the same time, I probably would have gotten up with him in the morning, we might have felt like we were living some semblance of a normal life.  I WAS SO EXCITED.  I WOULD LIKE TO EMPHASIZE WITH CAPS LOCK JUST HOW EXCITED I WAS!!!

And then on Friday, his schedule changed again.

(I've lost track of how many times this has happened.)

When HB first called to tell me, I was ANNOYED.  Seriously, I thought, just give him a schedule and stick with it!  Then, when I realized that on this new schedule, HB would have Saturdays and Sundays off for a couple of weeks, I thought maybe this was a really good thing.  A blessing in disguise, if you will!  We'd have a little time to catch up and sort of live like a normal married couple for a little bit.  Maybe even--gasp!--make plans!  I didn't even care that yesterday, our Sunday off together, Hubby Blue slept until 3:00 pm (I may or may not have stayed in my pajamas all day anyway).

But then...tonight happened!  Hubby Blue and I had talked last night and tried to see the positive in him working nights again, and he said he would really sleep all day, he'd have dinner ready when I got home and we'd have eat together and spend the whole evening together before he had to go into work.

It did not go like that at all.

I got home from the gym (which I almost did not go to because I was soooo tired today but HB pretty much MADE me go) at about 6:00 and our dinner was still in the preparation stages.  By the time our homemade pizza finally went in the oven close to 7:00, HB was already upstairs to take a shower before work.  HB is infamous for his "quick showers" that last 45 minutes.  The pizza came out of the oven (HB is still not done), I waited a good 15 minutes to cut it, and then, since I was starving, I just decided to eat.  At about 7:50, HB comes down and says he really needs to get going and he's just going to eat in the car.

WHAT?!?

Before, when he was on nights, he would leave at about 8:15, sometimes even 8:30, to get into work on time.  Turns out, he forgot to mention he had to go in early to finish some paperwork from the other night.  Where did my husband who used to communicate with me so well GO???  I know I'm just being too sensitive, but I really feel like I am second fiddle to the job a lot of the time.  If I stop feeling sorry for myself, I know my husband is probably just really overwhelmed with everything, but that doesn't make me any less disappointed when he tells me we're going to eat dinner together (for maybe the third time in as many weeks) and then he misjudges his time and doesn't have any left for me.  And then I'm just trying to put on this fake happy face when he leaves ("Yes, dear, I love it when you have to work all night!"  Sounds horrible but actually Hubby Blue laughed.), but I don't even know if Hubby Blue knows that I'm disappointed when I think we'll spend time together and then we can't, or if he does, if he even has the emotional space in his mind to care right now.

I guess I just don't know what to do.  If there's even anything I can do.  Or maybe I'm just supposed to flounder around like a maniac until FTO is over and hope that it gets better whenever this is over.

I seriously miss those summer days when my biggest concern was whether or not the creases I was ironing into Hubby Blue's academy polo shirts were razor-sharp enough!!!