Toughening Up

Boy, oh boy, I feel like life has just been a roller coaster of emotions for me lately.

First, I want to say thank you to all the people who have commented on my blog in the last few days.  When I started writing this, it was more so that I would have a way to look back over my experience of being a police wife and maybe to connect with other police wives.  I never imagined that I would have any followers or comments from people I had never met, and I am truly blown away!  It's a funny feeling, knowing that the women who may understand me the best of anyone are people out there in cyberspace, probably all over the country, who are experiencing or have already experienced the same things I am.  I feel blessed that you read this blog and that you are sharing your experiences with me, and I feel humbled that I might say something that helps someone else.  All your comments are really helping make this journey a little less scary.

Last week was Hubby Blue's first week of evening shifts, so he is gone from the house from about 12:30 until 11:00 or later five days a week.  It was a hard week.  He was off on Sunday, so we went to visit some friends who moved about two hours away from us, just for the day.  We had a lovely day, enjoyed catching up with them and meeting their new baby boy, and headed home around 7:00 that night.  I decided to drive because Hubby Blue had had a few drinks, and what do you know?  I got my very first speeding ticket.  Technically, Hubby Blue keeps telling me it's not actually a speeding ticket because it's a "city ordinance violation" but seriously?  It's a speeding ticket to me.  You know what would not be a speeding ticket?  A written warning, or better yet, Hubby Blue speaking up as the cop who was sitting next to me allowing me to speed and getting no warning at all.  HA.  I didn't even know I was speeding actually...not really surprising given that I'd never been to this place ever before!  Whatever.  I'm always looking for the lesson in things, and I said this to Hubby Blue.  He said maybe the lesson was that I need to slow down in life.  I said I didn't think I was speeding through life at all and that maybe the lesson was to realize why pretty much everyone hates cops.  I know I'm probably supposed to just own the fact that I was speeding and accept the punishment and respect the officer who gave me the ticket and remember he has a family just like my officer does, and blah blah blah, but honestly, I felt angry.  I'm not going to get into my excuses and all that, and maybe I just felt angry because I feel like I am giving and giving and giving and the universe saw fit to make me give more ($75 more) to this little town.  Ugh.

Anyway, getting that "ticket" really pushed me over the edge.  I guess every little thing that goes wrong feels like a catastrophe these days.  All my stress spilled over the whole rest of Sunday night and into Monday morning.  But then I had a wonderful conversation with my dear mother on Monday morning, and she gave me some really good advice.  She said that my blog made it sound like I was doing really well, and I finally admitted out loud that I try to make things sound really positive on here, or at least end on a positive note, but a lot of the time, I am not feeling very positive at all.  After our talk, I recommitted myself to taking it one day at a time (again) and started Monday by thinking ONLY about what I was going to accomplish on Monday.  I actually physically wrote down three things I wanted to accomplish at work and three things I wanted to accomplish at home.  I didn't get through all of them, but that was okay because of what I DID do...

Hubby Blue got home late on Monday night, after I got home from work and working out (he was off but was visiting a friend about an hour and a half away for the afternoon) and said right away that he was going to go out to the store to "pick something up."  I, of course, ever-mindful of our spending, said, "No!  We've already spent enough on groceries this week!" (gosh, our grocery bill has gone up a ton lately, anyone else?)  As it turned out, Hubby Blue wanted to go to the store so he could get all the supplies to make banana splits for us.  Am I not married to the sweetest man ever?!  Because of how thoughtful this was, I agreed we could bend a little on the budget, and he came home with bananas, cherries, whipped cream, a cute little baggie of "nut topping," chocolate sauce, crushed pineapple, and of course, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry ice cream.  He proceeded to make banana splits exactly like a picture he found on his phone and we enjoyed them while watching a little How I Met Your Mother together.  It was such a small gesture, but it meant so much more to me because of the new schedule we live on.  It was a little thing that made our rare time together special.  I think I'll remember this little thing for a long time more so than I would remember it if we did this sort of thing all the time (and if we did, I'd be pretty fat, so it's probably a good thing we don't :).  I am so thankful for HB and the really kind, sweet, nice things he does for me.

I'm on my own again tonight, and so far, so good.  And I'm not just saying that. :)  For the time being, I really am taking it one day at a time, hoping that this tougher attitude I'm attempting is helping to strengthen our marriage a little bit more each day.  Here's hoping I can say the same thing five days from now!!!