Argh, I hate when technology doesn't do what you think it did! I thought this posted a couple days ago, but obviously it didn't! Enjoy!
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Ahhh...March 17th and I've only posted once this month! Sorry about that! Hubby Blue's schedule puts him home around 11:00 every night, which is nice because in theory, it's early enough that I can usually stay awake long enough to say hello to him before going to bed, but in reality, the combination of staying up that late and waking up at least once every night because he's either gotten into or out of bed...has me exhausted. At least, I think that's why I'm so tired. It sure would be a relief anyway! I went to the doctor and she said it could be anemia...or diabetes...or my thyroid...or a PARASITE. Good grief. I may need to get out of teaching.
Anyways, this topic has been on my heart a lot lately because it's come to the surface so often lately. In the last month or so, I feel like my husband's career has put us face-to-face with all the worst of society, and it's got me down. I remember hearing about this at the police family seminar we went to when Hubby Blue was in the academy and how he was going to get so cynical and untrusting of everyone and everything and how I'd still feel like the world was safe and good and I was supposed to be the link to the 97% of society that is good and normal since he'd be dealing with mostly the bad 3%. At first, I could really see this happening. My hubby DID become very untrusting of strangers and I WAS trying to be the one to help him relax a little. Hubby Blue has always been skeptical of people, but I still had a hard time understanding the change in him.
Now, though, he tells me about what he deals with on an almost daily basis, and I start to hate the world. I get so fed up and disgusted with the society we live in. I want to know how people can possibly do the awful things they do to other people. I want to cry for every victim and slap every abuser. I question how we'll ever send our kids to school or let them drive a car or go away to college. I'm sure most parents deal with these anxieties, but I just have a feeling it will be worse for us.
What makes it worse for me is that I work in a high-poverty school where my students' families have frequent interactions with the police, likely for a lot of the awful things my husband describes when he comes home after work. That's not even all of it though: plenty of other kids come from homes where the police aren't being called on a daily basis, but they're living in filthy conditions, without clean clothes or food to eat or beds to sleep in. My heart breaks for these kids...the ones I know and love and also the ones I don't know.
What I'm trying to say is this: my job and my husband's job have put us so close to some of the lowest, saddest, most terrible aspects of life, and it's draining me. It's sucking the happy out of me. It's changing me, and not in a good way. I notice that I am angrier these days. I feel hopeless. I know this is what my husband is called to do, but how do I manage it?
God, and time. When you are feeling down, you need to remember that God is in control, God has a plan. We don't, we can't, always understand the reason for all this crap in the world but God does. Remain committed to him, pray frequently, and remember that good exists in the world too. I don't know if you watch police shows or movies, but I did before I married my hubby and I cut those out shortly after. I don't need fake darkness when my hubby deals with real darkness every day. That helped some. Also, if you watch or read the news you may want to limit that too. I've found all that contributes to me feeling down about the world. Think about if there is anything else (besides your work obviously) that darkens your thoughts and contemplate getting rid of it. And time will help. I was a lot more affected by my husband's work in the begining, but in time, its gotten better-for both me and him. As sad as it sounds, we've gotten used to it? acclimated to it? and it doesn't affect us as terribly as before. That's not to say we feel no sadness or aren't upset at how dumb people are, we just don't linger on it. And make sure you are listening to the good stories too, focus on those-when he saves someone life (even if they are a drug addict, happened to my husband the other day "its not a big deal, he was a druggie" no, you saved a life, you don't know where he will go from here), when he gets a kid out of a bad situation, and listen for the funny stories too-when the homeless guy steals $600 worth of groceries and its half ice cream/half condoms, when he has to chase the naked person down the street-find the humor in it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you've mentioned your job before-and how the situation isn't great, and how its far from your home and even further from where your husband words. Is there potential to move someone closer to your home that is a better district? Or closer to your hubby's work? Maybe a change of scenery would help-if you weren't brought down by your job then maybe his wouldn't affect you as much. But maybe its not that easy, there aren't a lot of teaching jobs where I am.
So I'll say it again, when you are feeling down, turn to God. I'll be praying for you (isn't the internet amazing? I have no clue who you are appart from what you write and you have no clue who I am appart from the few times I've commented, but I get to pray for you! How crazy is that!) and I'll be hoping you see some light instead of all the darkness.