Night Shift Blues

Two weeks.  Hubby Blue has been on the job for two weeks...well, two weeks tomorrow, anyway.  Two weeks that feels like an eternity!  Just kidding...well, sort of.

Two weeks ago, I was worried out of my mind when HB left for his first night shift.
Two weeks ago, I was pretty scared myself of staying home alone at night.
Two weeks ago, Hubby Blue was supposed to be on nights for one week and then switch to evenings for a few weeks.
Two weeks ago, I said that if I could always just remember that he was happy doing this job, I could handle anything.

Tonight, I felt a lot less worried more comfortable as HB left for his shift.
Tonight, I feel a lot less scared of staying home alone.
Tonight was supposed to be the start of HB's weekend...

I read on some other police wife's blog or in some police wife's book that she'd learned to stop making plans on her husband's days off because his schedule changed so frequently.  I found that hard to understand and also knew I didn't want to live my life like that, without making any plans ever, but like everything else, that too happened to us, and it happened after only ONE week on the job!  It actually worked out in our favor, as Hubby Blue was supposed to work the night of a wedding we'd been invited to, and with the change, he now got to stay for the whole reception, instead of leaving after dinner.  That was an amazing surprise and I was so grateful to have him there.  However, the change in schedule also meant he'd have to continue working nights instead of switching to days.

I guess he and I both need to get used to the night shift (because very likely this is the shift he'll be on come Christmas), but it is much, much harder than we both anticipated.  On paper, it doesn't look that bad--he works when I sleep, I work when he sleeps, we see each other at the end of my work day and at the beginning of his.  So in that sense, this shift is not all bad because we do have those waking hours together.  But I definitely miss going to bed and waking up with this wonderful man I married!

It's wearing on both of us, and even though it's only been two weeks, I pretty much had a meltdown earlier this week about it!  I just broke down, reminded him what I'd say about being able to handle this if I just knew he was happy, and asked Hubby to tell me whether he was happy or not.

He said, "I love this job.  I love what I am doing.  I feel like I have a purpose again."

And my heart smiled, just like it did on that police academy graduation day two weeks ago.  How did we wind up being so blessed that we are both in careers that we love...more importantly, we have each other, we have our health, we have wonderful family and friends in our lives, and we have a lifetime of opportunities and experiences ahead of us?  I took a deep breath and said, "Okay.  We can do this."  And we will.

On the second day...

Hubby Blue came home this morning, just as expected...isn't it strange that my first thought in writing this tonight was that I had to mention that?!  Never before had I been so relieved to hear the phone ring just a few minutes after 6:00 am.  I definitely thanked God for keeping him safe all night.  I had told him before he left that he had to remember every.single.thing that happened to him because I wanted to hear ALL about it in the morning!  I got a short synopsis of the night, but he was only here about 10 minutes before I had to leave for work.

I figured HB would sleep all day, and in fact, not hearing from him all day made me sure that when I walked in from work at 4:15, he'd still be sleeping!  But no, my hubby, who sleeps like a rock any day I actually want him to wake up early, claimed he couldn't sleep past noon!  He was still exhausted, and it really made me understand the blog posts I read last night about how people who work the night shift are just constantly tired.  I got a few more stories from the night before, and then I said that's it!  You need to take a nap!  Luckily he was able to. :)

I got a real surprise tonight and HB made dinner for me!  This was a common occurrence in the BPA days...Before the Police Academy.  Days that sometimes lasted 14 hours kind of put a damper on this little treat!  Truthfully, I really didn't mind doing the majority of the cooking and housework, and I actually felt really purposeful that I could help HB in this small way.  I really believe that police work is more of a calling than just a job, and I thought I was doing my part to let HB focus on his training as much as he could.  Anyway, as we were finishing dinner, I was thinking to myself that I was feeling pretty good about him leaving tonight.  Wow, I thought, did I seriously make this transition after only one shift?  Am I really doing this much better?  I was pretty sure I was not nearly as worried, pretty calm, actually looking forward (a TINY bit) to having the quiet time to write some more on this blog...

...it didn't last.

Except that tonight, I think I felt more sadness than worry.  Oh, don't get me wrong, the worry is still there, it's just that tonight I think I felt more sadness...or loneliness?  I'm not really sure what it is.  And I don't want to make it sound for one second like I am not 100% behind Hubby Blue.  Not only do we both know just how blessed he is to HAVE a job (more on that later), but I trust without a doubt that this is the career for him and that he is going to make one hell of a cop.  I really believe that this is where God has put him and that he is going to make a big difference in the world.  I just wish the schedule wasn't so hard.  I am really doing my best to be as un-teary as I can when he leaves, but if you know me, you know that 1) I cry over just about everything and 2) I really, really love Hubby Blue.  I just really miss him while he's gone.

A couple of days ago, we were at the academy graduation party, and I got to talking to the wife of one of the class supervisors.  I asked her what her best advice for another police wife would be, and she told me to find things I enjoy doing by myself.  I'll be able to come up with plenty of things I enjoy doing...the doing it by myself is probably going to be the harder part.  So...here goes nothing!

Day 1

Hello world!

I started this blog as a way to document the life I'm embarking on - as of right now - as a brand new police wife.  My husband (who from here on out I'll call Hubby Blue) graduated from the police academy just two short days ago and is about to start his very first shift.  Right now, he is full of excitement and anticipation; I have found myself simply overflowing with pride in him.  I know that the life of the law enforcement family is not an easy one, and I want to be able to look back on this blog years from now and remember what it felt like when we were both new to this career and this way of life.  I want to remember the eagerness we both feel and how happy we both are right now, and I want to be able to come back to this moment in time when we felt like we had the whole world in front of us.

Where do I even begin?  I am brand new to blogging, but over the last few months when Hubby Blue was first hired and while he has been in the academy, I have found myself reading all the police wife blogs I can find.  Lots of people have told me I shouldn't do this, that this will just make me worry more, but I feel the opposite is true.  Should, God forbid, the unthinkable ever happen to my husband, there is some comfort in knowing that there is this community among police wives.  No one goes through life alone, and I just want to be able to lean on others who are experiencing the same things I am.

Hubby Blue left the house a few hours ago for his first shift on FTO, the midnight shift.  The last couple of days, after graduation, he and I were both focused on getting him adjusted to the night shift schedule.  He stayed up all night last night, with the intention being to sleep all day.  I woke up at a normal time and decided our bedroom was going to be way too bright as he continued to sleep.  So, I creeped around, silently draping sheets and blankets over all our windows that already have "room-darkening" shades on them...as if they actually keep the room dark!  Our room now looks like a fort, and I'm not sure I actually did any good at all, since HB woke up at 10:30 anyway!  I was worried all day about him not being able to stay awake tonight, so I tried to stay pretty quiet and was glad when he decided to nap for a few more hours this afternoon.

As the afternoon continued on, I found myself feeling more and more nervous.  Up until today, I was simply thrilled for Hubby!  This job has been a long time coming (more on that later) and I have been able to see for the last few months how happy this career is making him.  How could I be anything but thrilled for him?  I know he has been so excited for this day, the moment he gets to put all this training to use and actually BE a cop.  But as the start of his shift got closer and closer, I started to worry.  Just two nights ago, an officer in a neighboring town was seriously injured on a night shift.  How easily could that be my husband?  I have never been crazy about the idea of sleeping at home alone, but I wasn't even thinking about that.  All I could do was pray nonstop that God would bring my Hubby Blue home to me in the morning.  I am a worrier by nature (more on that later too), and I wonder, will I worry like this before every shift?  Forever?

We had dinner together, I sat on the bed while Hubby Blue got dressed, and then I waited while he got all his last minute gear loaded into his car.  I made him promise to wear his bullet proof vest the whole time, and then I asked him to pray with me.  He willingly did so, and (several) hugs and kisses later, he left.

I didn't expect to feel so worried, even though I'd read about wives who worry every time their husband walks out the door.  I'm sure I'll get used to this.  And, even amidst all the worry, I still feel a sense of pride, with a little bit of sadness mixed in, that I am married to a man who has such a good heart that he is willing to leave home on a Sunday night and walk the streets all night to keep people safe.  We are both making a sacrifice, but it's one that - right now anyway - I feel kind of proud to make.

Until next time,
Wife in Blue