Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Toughening Up

Boy, oh boy, I feel like life has just been a roller coaster of emotions for me lately.

First, I want to say thank you to all the people who have commented on my blog in the last few days.  When I started writing this, it was more so that I would have a way to look back over my experience of being a police wife and maybe to connect with other police wives.  I never imagined that I would have any followers or comments from people I had never met, and I am truly blown away!  It's a funny feeling, knowing that the women who may understand me the best of anyone are people out there in cyberspace, probably all over the country, who are experiencing or have already experienced the same things I am.  I feel blessed that you read this blog and that you are sharing your experiences with me, and I feel humbled that I might say something that helps someone else.  All your comments are really helping make this journey a little less scary.

Last week was Hubby Blue's first week of evening shifts, so he is gone from the house from about 12:30 until 11:00 or later five days a week.  It was a hard week.  He was off on Sunday, so we went to visit some friends who moved about two hours away from us, just for the day.  We had a lovely day, enjoyed catching up with them and meeting their new baby boy, and headed home around 7:00 that night.  I decided to drive because Hubby Blue had had a few drinks, and what do you know?  I got my very first speeding ticket.  Technically, Hubby Blue keeps telling me it's not actually a speeding ticket because it's a "city ordinance violation" but seriously?  It's a speeding ticket to me.  You know what would not be a speeding ticket?  A written warning, or better yet, Hubby Blue speaking up as the cop who was sitting next to me allowing me to speed and getting no warning at all.  HA.  I didn't even know I was speeding actually...not really surprising given that I'd never been to this place ever before!  Whatever.  I'm always looking for the lesson in things, and I said this to Hubby Blue.  He said maybe the lesson was that I need to slow down in life.  I said I didn't think I was speeding through life at all and that maybe the lesson was to realize why pretty much everyone hates cops.  I know I'm probably supposed to just own the fact that I was speeding and accept the punishment and respect the officer who gave me the ticket and remember he has a family just like my officer does, and blah blah blah, but honestly, I felt angry.  I'm not going to get into my excuses and all that, and maybe I just felt angry because I feel like I am giving and giving and giving and the universe saw fit to make me give more ($75 more) to this little town.  Ugh.

Anyway, getting that "ticket" really pushed me over the edge.  I guess every little thing that goes wrong feels like a catastrophe these days.  All my stress spilled over the whole rest of Sunday night and into Monday morning.  But then I had a wonderful conversation with my dear mother on Monday morning, and she gave me some really good advice.  She said that my blog made it sound like I was doing really well, and I finally admitted out loud that I try to make things sound really positive on here, or at least end on a positive note, but a lot of the time, I am not feeling very positive at all.  After our talk, I recommitted myself to taking it one day at a time (again) and started Monday by thinking ONLY about what I was going to accomplish on Monday.  I actually physically wrote down three things I wanted to accomplish at work and three things I wanted to accomplish at home.  I didn't get through all of them, but that was okay because of what I DID do...

Hubby Blue got home late on Monday night, after I got home from work and working out (he was off but was visiting a friend about an hour and a half away for the afternoon) and said right away that he was going to go out to the store to "pick something up."  I, of course, ever-mindful of our spending, said, "No!  We've already spent enough on groceries this week!" (gosh, our grocery bill has gone up a ton lately, anyone else?)  As it turned out, Hubby Blue wanted to go to the store so he could get all the supplies to make banana splits for us.  Am I not married to the sweetest man ever?!  Because of how thoughtful this was, I agreed we could bend a little on the budget, and he came home with bananas, cherries, whipped cream, a cute little baggie of "nut topping," chocolate sauce, crushed pineapple, and of course, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry ice cream.  He proceeded to make banana splits exactly like a picture he found on his phone and we enjoyed them while watching a little How I Met Your Mother together.  It was such a small gesture, but it meant so much more to me because of the new schedule we live on.  It was a little thing that made our rare time together special.  I think I'll remember this little thing for a long time more so than I would remember it if we did this sort of thing all the time (and if we did, I'd be pretty fat, so it's probably a good thing we don't :).  I am so thankful for HB and the really kind, sweet, nice things he does for me.

I'm on my own again tonight, and so far, so good.  And I'm not just saying that. :)  For the time being, I really am taking it one day at a time, hoping that this tougher attitude I'm attempting is helping to strengthen our marriage a little bit more each day.  Here's hoping I can say the same thing five days from now!!!


  1. Pshhh.....I can't BELIEVE you got a ticket! I thought professional courtesy dictates that you don't give fellow officers or their wives tickets? I mean, it's not as if you were driving recklessly! Oh well. I'm sure it will happen to me eventually, with the wat I drive. :-)

    It's awesome that your officer went out of his way to demonstrate how much he loves you with banana splits. One day when the emotional rollercoaster is getting the best of you, you'll have that experience to look back on and encourage you.

  2. Hi. I found your blog from A Cop's Wife blog. I'm a dispatcher, and I can totally relate to the crazy hours. I work mainly evenings and a midnights, and I'm married and have two young girls. My schedule stresses my husband, but I do everything I can to be there for every one of my girls activities. Sometimes I don't even know what day it is. My husband and I are on such opposite schedules, so we're never together. I actually had someone the other day ask me if I am still married. I'd love to have more people who can relate, so I also added a link to your site on my blog.

  3. Just wanted to say thank you for your blog! I have now begun my own, thanks to you and 'a police wife's' blogs. My hubby just started the academy and I found it hard to find blogs about it. So i started my own! Anyway thanks again and I'm with Rachel- I thought you werent supposed to get tickets after being a cops wife?!?! lol.. hang in there, best of luck to you:)

  4. I can totally relate to the "putting on a positive/happy face" when in actuality you aren't feeling too positive/happy. For me, I think part of it has to do with the fact that most of my friends have no idea what life is like as the wife of an LEO and since they simply can't relate, I just act like everything is fine and dandy when they do ask. I don't feel like trying to explain how hard it is to never know WHEN my hubby will get home, how hard it is to never have a consistent schedule (he is on a rotation schedule of days and nights), how hard it is to go for days without really seeing or talking to him, etc. So instead I just act like everything is perfect and I'm handling it all very well. But then I have those days where I lose it. I'm thankful to have a God who is always there for me and who listens to me. :)

    Is your hubby still in FTO? I really think life gets a LOT better once they are on their own. At least for us it has been. There isn't the stress of FTO and my hubby can now have his cell phone and I can text him so that helps (although it may be hours before he reads it...but it does help!).


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